


Big Softie

by spinner33



Series: Big Softie [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Gen, M/M, OMG - so much fluff!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-08-22
Packaged: 2018-04-16 15:13:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4630014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinner33/pseuds/spinner33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny is pimping Aloha Girl cookies.  Steve is trying to lose weight for an upcoming physical.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Big Softie

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flamingcabbage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flamingcabbage/gifts).



“Okay, people. Listen up,” Danny announced loudly as he strutted into the office one morning, waving around triplicate carbon papers with an air of authority. “I don’t know if any of you are aware, but it’s that time of year again. Yes. That’s right. It’s Cookie Time for the Aloha Girls. I don’t want you to feel obligated, emotionally or morally, just because we work together, and we’re family, but….” 

“But?” Chin asked dryly from the main area, standing up from the big computer monitor. 

“But please remember that the Aloha Girls depend on cookie sales and other fund raisers to finance the majority of their equipment, trips, and activities. They don’t have the kind of backing that other children’s organizations are blessed with. The girls get hand-me-down tents and second-hand equipment. They’re lucky to make ends meet. Bear that in mind. Here, I got a form for each of you.”

“No pressure,” Chin mused. 

“I was an Aloha Girl. You can count on me, brah,” Kono promised Danny. 

“I appreciate that. Grace appreciates that. The rest of the troop appreciates that. Keep this under your hat, but whoever buys the most boxes of cookies will win a pizza party, personally delivered to their home by the troop. How’s that for nice?”

“Twenty, screaming tweens running around my house sounds like Hell of Earth,” Chin replied.

“Where is the Big Kahuna this morning? Trust him to miss my big sales pitch!” Danny asked, stuffing one form at Chin, another at Kono, and turning around to face Steve’s empty office. 

“Steve is at a meeting with the troop leader, Madeline. He wants to put together a self-defense class for Grace’s troop,” Kono said. 

“Really?” Danny gushed, a pleased smile warming his features. “He never mentioned doing a self-defense class.” 

“He didn’t want to tell you unless Madeline agreed. I said if Madeline says yes, I’ll be more than happy to help,” Kono reported. 

“That’s….that’s…..well, thank you,” Williams blushed and bubbled, giving Kalakaua a tiny punch in the arm. “That’s very thoughtful of you.” 

“You’re welcome, Jersey,” Kono smiled. 

“Remind me to thank the big lug too when he’s back in.” 

Danny slipped into Steve’s office, left the form on his desk, and came back to the main area. Chin was dutifully filling in blanks. 

“Mmmmm, Samoas,” Kono was whispering appreciatively as she headed back to her office, form in hand. 

Chin and Kono both ordered five boxes each. Danny circulated their forms around the rest of the building through inner-office mail. Both forms came back by three p.m. with all the blanks filled. 

Williams was missing only one form. He headed to McGarrett’s office. 

Steve was flipping through his cookie catalogue, eyes lingering hungrily over the glossy pages. He was pining softly. 

“Hey there,” Danny murmured, knocking on the portal. Steve’s head popped up. He snatched a pen out of the pencil cup in reach. 

“Has anyone told you you’re the incarnation of pure evil?” Steve frowned as he dashed off neat, tiny letters. 

“Not often enough. Any luck with Madeline and the self-defense class?” 

Steve shrugged. 

“She said she’s got think about it. Isn’t sure it will fly with some of the parents. There were a few heated discussions after the whole camping trip thing went south. Some of them think I’m a bad influence on the girls.” 

McGarrett sounded very disappointed. He gave a long pause, and a dramatic sigh. Then he raised his eyes to Danny. 

“This is the point where you tell me I’m not a bad influence.”

“Is it?” Williams dead-panned.

“Generally.”

“Steve, you’re a terrific role model. Believe me, you made a very big impression on those girls. For what it’s worth, I think a self-defense class is an awesome idea. And thanks,” Danny soothed. 

“You’re welcome. Here.”

Danny dashed over, snatched the form from Steve, and read over it. 

“Two boxes?” Williams grumbled. Steve blushed. 

“I’m trying to lose weight, Danny,” McGarrett replied. 

“Why are you trying to lose weight?” Danny laughed. 

“My yearly physical is coming up next month. If I don’t maintain an acceptable physical condition, I won’t be allowed to remain in the Reserves. The Navy does have standards.”

“Steve, you can put the cookies in the freezer. Eat them all year long. Ration them like MREs.” 

“I know myself much better than that,” McGarrett ranted, voice getting tighter. “It’s all fun and games, until I’m alone at home in front of the TV late one night, and those cookies start talking to me from the kitchen. Sure. I tell myself I’m only gonna have a couple cookies. The next thing I know, I’m covered in crumbs, shoveling the broken bits from the bottom of the bag into my face, sucking the last traces of chocolate off my fingers, and hating myself for my lack of will power. No thanks. Two boxes. That’s my limit.” 

“All right, you cheap bastard,” Danny grumbled. 

Danny should have known Steve was lying. It had been all over his face, his shifting eyes, and his twitching smile. They said no more about it the rest of the day, continuing doing paperwork in their own offices. 

Steve spent the next four weeks watching every single thing he put in his mouth. Every conversation with him turned back to food, caloric intake, exercise regime, and even the occasional scolding, clucking, and pinching of the waist of a certain Jersey detective. Steve was snapping at the team worse than usual, because he was moody and hungry most of the time. Lord have mercy on the criminals who were taken into custody in the late afternoon, because this was the time of day when his moods ran most sour. 

“It’s the name of your first pet, and the street where you grew up.” 

“No. It’s your middle name, and the name of your first pet.” 

“What? What? What? What’s with all the freaking squabbling?” Danny complained as he carried a box full of sandwiches and chips back into the office. Chin and Kono were hunkered down over the large computer table, dickering back and forth in heated whispers. 

“Lunch!” Kono exclaimed, rifling through the box while Danny handed out sandwiches and chip bags. “We’re talking about porn names. It’s the name of your first pet, and the street where you grew up.”

“Must be a slow day,” Danny mused. He glanced around. Steve was in his office, fussing with his dress uniform, messing with his tie. 

“Shit,” Kono whispered cautiously. “The criminal element ain’t stupid, Jersey. When the Boss is in a mood like this, word gets out. People know better than to take a chance.”

“What did he ask for?” Chin wondered. Only three sandwiches in the box. 

“Nothing. But I ordered a double, and I plan to feed him,” Danny replied. 

“Good thinking,” Chin approved. 

“So, where were we? Porn name,” Kono pressed, giving Danny an inquiring look.

“You go first,” Williams replied. Why was Chin getting so red suddenly?

“I don’t have a middle name,” Kono pouted. 

“Go with your first pet name,” Danny shrugged. 

“Flippers Ala Moana.”

“That sounds pretty dirty,” Danny snorted. They stared at Chin, whose usually stern face was red. 

“Ho Ala Moana.” 

“That sounds even dirtier,” Danny chuckled. 

“What about you?” Kono asked. Danny thought about it for a moment. 

“Mine doesn’t work,” Danny frowned. 

“Give it a shot,” Kono urged. “What’s your middle name?” 

“Albert.”

Everyone groaned in disappointment. 

“Yeah, I know! Right? Could my parents get any more boring?” Danny complained.

“First pet’s name?” Chin pressed. 

“Spot. He was this Dalmatian pup from Dad’s fire station. Poor little guy cried and howled every time the alarms went off, so Dad brought him home to us.” 

“Street name?” Kono asked. 

“Delancey.” 

“Albert Delancey. Sounds like a lawyer,” Chin laughed.

“Spot Delancey. Even worse,” Kono frowned, sticking out the tip of her tongue for a second before scarfing down a bite of her sandwich. 

“Hey, McGarrett?!” Chin called out. 

“Steve, we have foooood!” Danny added. 

“I’m busy! I gotta go. Late for….” Steve was babbling from his office.

“Where’s he going?” Danny wondered. “Steve?!”

“What?” McGarrett returned in an angry howl. 

“What’s your middle name?”

“John.”

"I thought it was Jack," Danny frowned. 

Steve disappeared again, pulling open the front of his uniform, sitting down at his desk, breathing deeply several times. 

“That is almost as boring as Albert,” Danny remarked as he entered Steve’s office. “Let’s try again. What was the name of your first pet?” 

“Are we playing twenty questions, or is there a purpose to this line of inquiry?” McGarrett wanted to know. 

“First pet?”

“I don’t remember.”

“What are you so stressed out about?” 

“Headed to Pearl this afternoon for my physical.” 

“I thought that was tomorrow.” 

“They had an opening. They called me in early.” 

“Oh, thank goodness!” Danny sighed. “Finally, you will start eating again, and stop being so grumpy.”

“I’m not that grumpy,” Steve denied limply. All Danny had to do was give him one dry look, and the sentence trailed off. 

“My ass,” Danny muttered. 

“Boss, you can’t go yet! We want to know what your porn name is. Play along,” Kono shouted from the common area. The horrified look on Steve’s face made Danny cackle. 

“I don’t have a porn name,” McGarrett denied. “You are clearly mistaking me for someone else.” 

This got a raised brow from both Chin and Kono. 

“Not literally, you dopey moron. It’s the name of your first pet, and your middle name, or your street name, or some shit like that. Come here. Calm down. Why are you so worried about this?” Danny wondered. 

“If I don’t maintain my physical conditioning, they aren’t going to let me stay in the Reserves.”

“I know. You told me before, remember? You’ve only told me like six million times in the last month.”

“The Navy is my life, Danno. It has been since I was eighteen. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if…”

Danny felt sympathy and annoyance in equal measures. How could such an arrogant prick have so many self-esteem issues? 

“Okay. Reality check time, babe. You are in perfect physical condition, and anyone who tells you otherwise needs glasses.” 

“No, I’m not. I’ve gained some weight in the last year,” Steve moaned. 

“How much?” 

“Five pounds.”

“The horror,” Danny mocked, hand over his heart. 

“Five pounds a year over twenty years would be like….” 

“Steve…..”

“I haven’t been as stringent with myself about exercise, and frankly, you and your malasadas and…… Is that a pastrami sandwich you’re holding?” 

“Pastrami on rye with Swiss, with dill pickles, just like you like,” Danny tempted, waving the white-wrapped lunch package just close enough that Steve could inhale the heavenly scent. 

“You are evil…..kolohe……” Steve hissed, eyes narrowing. 

“This is my fault, is it?” 

“You have been a very bad influence. Pancakes every weekend!”

Not true! Although the last time they had had pancakes on the weekend, Danny had spent much of the morning licking syrup off most of Steve’s perfect body. A false accusation about someone hogging the squeeze bottle had resulted in a physical altercation, two grown men rolling around on the kitchen floor, squirting delicious sticky stuff at each other. Danny had literally emptied the half bottle of syrup on Steve – down his pants, inside his shirt, in his hair. Steve must have been remembering this too, because his eyes glowed with happy thoughts. 

“We’re not even going to talk about that time we ate that whole container of ice cream while watching….” Steve peered around Danny to see if anyone was listening. “You didn’t tell anyone, did you?” 

“Shhh. Of course not. Come here,” Danny whispered. It was so damned adorable that Steve could be embarrassed by the idea of his team knowing he had been eating ice cream while watching porn flicks with his ‘kinda my boyfriend’. 

Williams fitted Steve’s uniform together again, and straightened his tie for him. From what Danny could see, if it weren’t for the belt around his waist, Steve’s pants would have been falling further than his hips. Danny tugged the trousers up by the belt loops, and patted Steve’s tummy. 

“You’ll be fine. I’m sure the Navy will continue to let you shoot people, jump off cliffs, tackle perps, and plant underwater mines. All those things that make you giddy with joy. Even if you’ve gained five pounds. And I don’t care what they tell you. I will love you no matter what shape or size you come in.” 

“Sorry to be so nervous.”

“Let me drive you.” 

“Thanks.”

“I don’t want you behind the wheel when you’re this jumpy.” 

“Okay.” 

“But first you have to tell us your first pet’s name.”

“I don’t remember,” Steve shrugged. “My mom’s cat had a litter of kittens. I kept one of them for a few years.”

“What did you call her?” Danny wondered. Steve’s eyes widened in realization and horror, and then his mouth pinched together hard as his eyes narrowed.

“I don’t remember,” he lied. 

“We’ll call Mary. She’ll know.”

Thirty minutes later, Danny texted back to the office, apparently because he was laughing too hard to actually speak on the phone. 

_**Ladies and gentleman, we have a winner.** _

Kono perked up, cleaning away the remains of her chips, clicking keys to reply.

_**Yes?** _

Danny waited the requisite amount of time to stir up just enough anticipation. 

_**I give you ‘Pussycat Piikoi’.** _

Kono keeled out of her chair in laughter. When she could breathe again, she picked up her phone to read Danny’s next message. 

_**Am I right? Or am I right? Back me up here.**_

Kono had trouble breathing again for a few seconds, by which time Chin was standing over her. He picked up her phone for her, and helped her to her feet. By this time, Danny had sent another message. 

_**The Big Kahuna is going in now. I’ll report back soon. I have a message for you.** _

Chin showed Kono the reply. It was Steve’s face. He was frowning. 

_**Get back to work!** _

It was several hours before Danny and Steve returned. They were surprised to hear girlish laughter and giggles before they entered the office. 

“All I’m saying is, I suspect Doris got a huge perverted thrill every time you went to the door to call your kitty inside. Here I am, picturing you, some fresh-faced little innocent, standing at the door shouting for….. Oh! Hey! Monkey!?” 

Danny stopped himself mid-sentence and brightened considerably. Grace came running out of his office, trailing several of her Aloha Girls troop friends. 

“Danno! Uncle Steve! We brought your cookies!” Grace announced. Danny glanced into his office. Stacked on his desk were several boxes of thin mints and peanut butter patties. 

“Thank you, ladies! Aren’t you the sweetest, to deliver them all this way? You didn’t have to do that,” Danny cooed, giving Grace a hug. 

“Yes, we did!” Grace exclaimed exuberantly. She and the other girls all but pounced at McGarrett, who took a nervous step back. 

“Aloha, Anakala Steve!” 

“Aloha, keiki,” McGarrett smiled, bumping tiny fists and suffering through a couple hugs. 

Danny goggled around McGarrett into his office, and nearly fell over. There were cookie boxes covering every conceivable, stackable surface. His desk actually had a tiny fort of cookie boxes stacked across it. They were on the floor, the chair, the desk, and the window sills – everywhere. 

“There must be a mistake,” Williams rumbled. McGarrett stood at his office door, rubbing his hands together, smiling broadly. 

“Oh,” Steve chirped happily. 

Danny exclaimed, “Did you buy cookies from every single Aloha Girl in Hawaii?!” 

“Not every one of them,” McGarrett denied. 

“Hey, Boss!” Kono said, coming out of her office, open cookie box in her hands. “How’d your physical go?” 

“Fine.”

“Holy shit! You think you got enough of those?” Kono laughed. 

“They told him he needs to gain weight,” Danny murmured. 

“Ooooh, the irony,” Kono snorted. 

“Looks like that isn’t going to be a problem for long,” Chin remarked, trailing crumbs and making munching noises as he crossed through the common area. “By the way, we’re out of milk.” 

“If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my office,” McGarrett murmured, rubbing his hands together again. 

“Uncle Steve?” Grace said, tugging on his shirt tail. 

“Yes, Gracie?” McGarrett spun around, all smiles. 

“Miss Madeline wants to know when we can come to your house.” 

“Why for?” 

“Pizza party. You were the big winner. 132 boxes. We need to know when you can fit us into your schedule,” Grace pressed. “I told Miss Madeline that you and Danno are very busy with police work, chasing down the bad guys, but, soon, you know?” 

Steve looked at his watch. 

“I’ll be home in twenty minutes,” McGarrett grinned brightly. 

“Whoo-hooooo!!! Bye, Danno! See you in a few!” Grace replied, hugging Danny before racing out the door with her friends in tow. 

“So, who’s hungry for pizza?” Steve asked. 

“We’ll be there,” Kono promised. 

“No doubt,” Chin agreed. 

“I cannot believe you,” Danny laughed. Steve stepped into his office for a couple seconds, and returned to the common area with an armload of small boxes. 

“Two boxes, at a time. That’s my limit,” Steve amended. 

McGarrett headed out the front door of the 5-0 office, ripping through layers of cardboard and snatching at an interior plastic bag with his teeth. 

“Do not get crumbs in my car!” Danny called, following after.


End file.
